i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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