Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
