I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
