She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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