you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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