her vagina looked like bernie madoff
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
