I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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