Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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