it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
