After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
