I accidentally had phone sex last night
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
