If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
this is an emotional support booty call
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
