I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
