A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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