u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
