I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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