Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Randomize
