finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
