my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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