I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
