Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
