FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
