The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
