i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
