Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
