I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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