So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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