It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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