Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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