My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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