I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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