Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
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i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
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You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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