I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
