fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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