And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
