new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
