fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
