My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
