You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
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This beer is not sobering me up at all
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
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He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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