I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
