I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
