sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
