I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
