a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
she was so not down for the gang bang
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
