well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
