Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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