You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
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you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
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I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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