I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
