I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Randomize
