I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
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we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
There r osticjed everywhere
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Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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