my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
