There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
