Your tits are I can't wait for
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
