y did u give ur computer a hand job?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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