If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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