After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
