She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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