he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
