Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
